Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
