I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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