Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
