I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
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The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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