I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have post one night stand depression
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