Can i not drive my cunt home
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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