I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize