i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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