I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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