I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
