did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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