I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
