Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
