i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
