I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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