can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize