You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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