drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
