Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
