My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
