I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
