There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
