I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
