Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
whose parrot is this?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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