those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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