Your mouth is God's brothel.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
