I faked an abortion last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
