if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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