My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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