TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
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There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
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My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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