did you get engaged???
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
