You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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