Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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