After last night, I could never be a politician.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
