32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
