That's intense
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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