so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
