I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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