My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
