if i can run in heels then i can drive
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
