There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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