My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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