this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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