No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize