If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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