Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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