why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
