farters have to be the big spoon...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
