Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
