Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
