I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
