I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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