I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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