i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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